Suppose you have a successful career and everything is running smoothly. Except in love. Because you just can't manage to find a nice partner. Therefore: time for some useful tips!

Text: Rosan Bijpost

Dating takes time. And that's exactly what we don't all have. Especially when you don't even know if it's worth your time. Swiping, dinners, flirting. A fun game up to a point, but eventually we want to get more serious. Because you can have it all together - beautiful trips, a gorgeous watch, your dream job and a full wine rack - sometimes it's just nice to be able to share that with someone. Matchmaker Patricia Huijbers Koenders helps successful men find this extra bit of happiness in their lives. To Gentlemen's Watch she talks about her experiences and gives some useful advice.

It's mostly men who knock on your door. Why is that you think?

Many men who come to me are successful in their jobs, have their lives in good order. But as for love? That turns out to be more difficult. I think they like the fact that I help them find serious matches that fit their lifestyle. A partner who is ready to settle down and is really looking for love. Women actually like it when a man comes through me: it gives a feeling of security and trust. He has been screened and is therefore not a vague Tinder date.

What is the most common reason why successful men have trouble dating?

They are used to being in control, to thinking results-oriented. In business this is convenient, but in love it is a different story. There, it's about surrender and vulnerability. Not letting yourself be guided by strategy, but by feeling. And that is exciting. In the process, some people also lose the overview: when you have things going well, many people come your way, but you don't always know what their intentions are, or what exactly you yourself are looking for.

"A first date is not about performing, it is about whether there is real contact."

Sometimes I have to hold up a mirror then. There was once a man who insisted on having a young woman. Age was important to him. Then I suggested two women and let him guess which one was younger. He chose the older one and turned out to have the biggest click with her. Such new insights are sometimes necessary.

How do you proceed? How do you get matches? Do you have some kind of inventory?

Haha, that sounds like I have a shelf of singles! But I understand what you mean. It's quite difficult to explain how I work. First I get to know someone well: who are you really, what are you looking for, what do you need? And then I look in my network or in The Love Database whether there is a good match. Sometimes it's an instant hit, sometimes it takes a while. Now, for example, I am on holiday in Spain and one of the men registered with me lives partly here. Then I automatically keep my ears and eyes open. I would rather search well so that I deliver quality than offer something half-fit quickly.

'Opposites attract' - perfect matches are often surprising. How do you know what works?

That's really my intuitive strength anyway. I work very personally. Many people think they know what they are looking for, but are not aware of what they actually need. And yes, sometimes an unexpected combination works better than two people who are too similar. It's not just about shared hobbies, but how you complement each other. I often see that an introverted man in particular goes well with a woman who is more loose and spontaneous. It's about balance.

Time to hit the dating floor.

What is the worst opening line you have ever heard?

"You strike me as a woman who knows what she wants... is that by any chance me?" Well...

What's your tip for a first date?

Think of it as a meeting. You get to know someone without any expectations. You don't have to go very deep right away. Just see if the connection is there. Don't make it too big and then see what happens next.

What first date blunders do you see happening over and over again?

Talking too much about work. Or about exes. Or both. And feeling like you need to impress. I had once advised a man to park his car further away from the date. He had a nice car, but of course that's not the point. Afterwards, he still couldn't resist showing off his car. Then he likes the woman and thinks: now I have to step it up.

But a first date is not about performing, it is about whether there is real contact. This is where communication is so important. Setting boundaries, sparring, what do you like. Many people stay single because they are not clear about it. That is a shame. Here's an example: a woman wanted to have children and asked how he felt about it. Men are quick to say 'maybe', because then they don't have to say 'yes' immediately - so did that man. Then that woman is startled and gives up. But if you say, 'I would want a child if I meet the right one', it doesn't lead to an abrupt end, and you can explore each other further.

What are typical thinking mistakes men make about women and dating?

That women have some kind of checklist to tick off. Whereas it's much more about energy, connection, and how you make her feel.

Presence. Sincere attention. Not being busy impressing, but listening - really listening - and asking questions. A big turn-off that men often fail to realise is that they are talking non-stop without giving space to the other person. That feels like: you are not important enough.

How important is body language on a date and what can men improve on it right away?

Body language often says more than words. Think open posture, eye contact, a warm smile and relaxed sitting - it really does make a difference.

Is there any way to appear confident without being arrogant?

Self-confidence is in peace: knowing who you are and not having to prove it.

What is the biggest mistake men make when they start dating again after a long relationship?

That they want something again too soon. First you have to process what has happened. And also important: work out what you do want, rather than what you no longer want.

How do you make sure you don't talk about your ex too much, without forcibly avoiding it?

You often see talk of the ex. Sometimes too much. Usually to get a reaction, to see how the other person reacts. Agree to tell your story briefly and then focus on the future: what you are looking for now, and what you would like in a new relationship.

"You are not looking for fulfillment, but a partner you can share your life with."

Are there any unwritten rules about dating when you have children?

Be honest. You are looking for a partner, not a replacement for your children. Let it be known how you see parenthood combined with a new relationship. But don't introduce them to each other right away, even if you think someone is great. Soon the kids will think so too, and it will be over after a month anyway. That's a shame. Good communication is - again - SO important - just as it is for a woman with a desire to have children.

What is the secret to a successful second love?

Don't compare. Every love is again your first love in the moment. Be open to new feelings you don't know yet - that's what makes it valuable.

How do you make sure you are open to a new love, but at the same time don't have to adjust your own life?

I think that is the single's biggest issue: fear that the other person will control your life. You are not looking for fulfillment, but a partner you can share your life with. You really don't have to give up half your life. Indicate what you expect, but also what you find important to keep. There should be room for that. It's about give and take. And that's what you choose when you enter into a relationship.

What are absolute red flags that men should be alert to?

People who want everything fast, try to control you, or don't take responsibility for their past. These are really signals to take seriously.

What signals show that a woman may well be the right match?

She asks sincere questions, is interested in who you are - not just what you do. There is peace, equality and fun. And most importantly, she feels safe with you, and you with her. But if it's harder to pipe down, you can also just ask. Share that you're having a good time and ask what she thinks.

How do you know if a woman is really interested, or just polite?

Pay attention to her energy. Is she seeking contact? Does she ask questions? Is she smiling genuinely? If so, there is interest. Politeness is often more distant and flat.

What are subtle signs that it is time to drop out?

If you feel small in her presence, if it's always up to you, or if contact structurally costs you energy instead of yielding it.

What is the most surprising success story you have experienced?

Two people who would never have found each other if I had not been in between them. A man applied to me. I went to a networking event and there I met a woman I immediately got a feeling for him. She hesitated (he was a bit older than she would have liked) but she trusted me. They went to meet and the flame immediately caught fire. The same connection I felt turned out to be there between them. Two months later, they were dating. As a matchmaker, that makes you happy. I have also experienced quite often that men reject a proposal, only to become interested later on. Sometimes, as a matchmaker, you see something they don't yet see. And a cup of coffee can never hurt then.

Want to know more? Then check: highqualitymatching.co.uk